heh nice rhymingness =^.^=

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I Lick Penguins =^.^=

Perty

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"Have you ever done it with a ninja?......want to do it again?" -Givon's random moment

Do you have some Kumoricon pics or want to see some? Then go here to my other page!! [link]

good job!

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You deserve to be slapped!
*swack*...you've been slapped.

98% of the teenage population does or has tried smoking pot. If you're one of the 2% who hasn't, copy & paste this in your signature.

I liked this piece more in specefics than in general. You say it's one of your older pieces, and it does differ from your other work that I've read, as least in the sense that I think you've got a better control on your words now than you did then. This one rhymes, but I didn't find the rhymes as appealing because I couldn't really get a hold of the rhythm very well. I also found myself putting in punctuation and separating off the images from each other where there was no separation indicated, but that was not because the punctuation lacked so much as because the images rocked. The stars attached to the eating of dreams just really got me, it's an excellent and original image. I give you many kudos for that.

well done I say!

-Kitten

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Mr. Holmes thanks you for your letter. At the moment he is in retirement in Sussex, keeping bees.
-Reply of a bank at 221B Baker Street, London, in response to 4 or so letters addressed daily to fictional sleuth Sherlock Holmes

lol, thankyou for your helpful comment. I'm glad you enjoyed the images. I did find myself sectioning it off also, it was my first (and only) attempt at Iambic Pentameter and it seemed really disjointed somehow. Thanks for your critique!

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Stupid people talk about people...
Average people look for things...
Wise people create ideas...
Ideas give people wings.

Yeah, your iambic pentameter is spot on, I didn't even see it until you mentioned it. I think I've only tried iambic pentameter twice, and once was for school, so I don't expect it counts. That stuff it hard. Ridiculously hard. At least, when in a conscious effort, it is. I think what it is that makes it seems 'disjointed', is that there are words like 'captivated' and 'effervescent' and 'deeper darker'. when I read those words, though I put the same syllables in (I think), I want to quicken them. for example I want to make it a triplet instead of a foot and a half (mixing a bit of vocabulary there). The triplet is sometimes in the same place, which makes me want to repeat it from line to line, but it isn't there in some lines, which throws off my rhythm. Since your first two lines are so similar, I want to make that pattern last rhythmically, but the triplet throws that off. I wouldn't be terribly worried about it, either way: iambic pentameter is difficult, in my experience, and you really pulled it off rather nicely. I might just have a messed up way of putting words together as well, which is why I can't find the rhythm when I read it unprepared. Oh well, you get even more congrats for trying iambic pentameter.

-Kitten

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Mr. Holmes thanks you for your letter. At the moment he is in retirement in Sussex, keeping bees.
-Reply of a bank at 221B Baker Street, London, in response to 4 or so letters addressed daily to fictional sleuth Sherlock Holmes

lol, you obviously know alot more about poetry than I do. I was so caught up in getting the syllables right that I didn't even catch my rythm mistakes. Now I know to look for them, thanks for pointing it out. I think I might try Iambic pantameter again in the future now that I've learned more about how to make words and rythm work together and keep my rhymes going. I love rhyming poetry, but alot of people tell me it's worse than free verse. Oh well, everyone has thier opinions.

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Stupid people talk about people...
Average people look for things...
Wise people create ideas...
Ideas give people wings.

Ahhh yes...I am envious of your poetry-ness....Good job creampuff!!